Letting Go

As parents, it seems the instant we bring home our little bundle of joy, we have to begin "letting go."  The process is gradual, and as one is it it, living it each day with the child, the concept isn't often pondered.

It's easy to recall the feeding habits and schedules of my children as babies.  I had certain vegetables and regimens that I was determined to abide by, and they had other ideas.  I aimed for meat and vegetables first, fruit second, and little to no extra sugar.  Well, my children soon realized that peaches were sweeter than broccoli and popsicles made them much happier than peas.  To an extent, I had to let go.  I was forced to let them decide for themselves that they liked and disliked.  Obviously, I had the final say; however, it was the beginning of the "pulling away" process.

My husband and I spent countless minutes with our babies taking steps in between our legs as they firmly gripped our fingers.  They relied on us as they slowly put one foot in front of the other.  Without us,  not even a single step was possible.  Then, all of the sudden, the child that was looking up at us while doing a death grip on our fingers...let go, and walked away.  Then, the real fun began...

Elementary school brings a plethora of "letting go" events.  We have to, for the first time, allow them to spend the night away from home with a friend.  They will travel on a bus to field trips to unfamiliar places with people that we really don't know.  They choose the sort of friends they are interested in having.  When the parent comes to a busy street and reaches out to take the child's hand...forget it.  The child does not want to hold the parent's hand in public. Yet again we, as parents, have to let go.  It's all part of the process.

Junior High is in a league all of its own.  The child that once made his or her parents 
feel adored, now makes them feel useless and unappreciated.  Cuddling?  That doesn't happen often.  Do you want to hug them in public?  I hope not!  You have to let that go.  

Once the child enters high school, he or she is gaining a sense of who he or she is.  The child is more confident, therefore he or she can "let" the parents in a bit more.  Still, the divide widens.  Simultaneous with the widening gap is the "tick tock" of the clock.  Time is ticking.  It seems to be going faster than before.  The child now spends a vast majority of time out of parental supervision.  Yes, the parent wants them to stay home and have family movie night.  The child wants that too, occasionally; however, these kids enjoy their freedom.  They turn 16, obtain a license, and they're off!  I remember thinking to myself when my daughter turned 16, "How will I ever be able to let her drive alone...without me in the car with her?"  That was another time I was forced to let go, and I watched her drive away.

Still, even with all of the "letting go" at each of these stages, the parent still makes the rules and expects them to be followed.  If not, there are consequences, most of which, will be dealt with at home with no lasting effects.  The parents sets curfews and rules that the teen knows he or she must follow or else life will cease to be exciting for him or her.

Just when the parent smiles and says, "I think I'm finally getting this parenting thing down," another "letting go" stage occurs.  This makes all the other stages pale in comparison.  In my life at the moment, I simply refer to this stage as, "college."  In this letting go process, we have to hope, pray and believe that we have "let go" in all the right places and "held on tightly" in the others,  for the past 18 years.  We pray, at this stage, our children use discernment and conduct their lives as they've been taught, because the consequences they face are no longer being grounded or having car keys taken away.  The consequences they face now, as "adults," could effect their young lives forever.    

Curfews no longer exist.  We no longer meet every single friend.  We do not have a relationship with any of the teachers.  They receive medical care and we are not informed.    We don't know when they go to bed, or when they get up and begin their day.  
This is all "letting go" in ways that I am completely unfamiliar with.  I'm having great difficulty trying to fathom it.

The sum of my feelings is this:  My daughter takes up a vast part of my heart.  For 18 years I have poured myself into this human being.  I've made so many mistakes that I pray haven't scarred her, but I've also given her the best of me.  Being "her mom" is an honorable calling, and I have fulfilled it to the  very best of my ability.  When I drive away from her college, how will my heart continue to beat when I've left such of a massive piece of it there?
As I recently shared my feelings with my husband,  he hugged me and said, "It will."  He's right.  As difficult as it will be to no longer live in the same house as my child, we will adjust.  

I am the extremely proud mom of a college student.  My baby bird is flying away.  It makes me smile to think about it.  She'll soar, succeed, and make so many positive changes in the world.  I have to let her go...
Although, as parents, do we ever really "let go?"  I certainly don't think so. 

Day 365...So, it's been a year!

Time.  It has a way of doing so much. It is with the passage of time that we develop comfort, understanding, clarity, routine and peace.  The Greek statesman, Pericles, said, "Time is the wisest counsellor of all."  I agree.  
Our time here in New York has consisted of 365 days.  


August 2011 was a trying month for me.  My daughter became a camp counselor and my son attended the summer camp, so they were beginning to meet people and develop relationships.   My family from Illinois had been here to visit and then returned.  I felt like they had left me here on "another planet."  With the exception of my husband and children, everything else I knew had changed.  


I envisioned myself on the edge of a cliff, legs dangling, fingertips slipping.  I was losing my grip.  I was falling.
My husband thought it would be a good idea for me to return "home" for a week or so.  He thought it would do me good to experience some familiarity.  
I refused to go.  He couldn't understand my decision.  Finally, in all honesty, I said, "I'm not going home, because if I do, I won't return to NY."


I began to pray...a lot.  I begged God to help me.  I knew I was in trouble.  I was lonely.  I felt desperate.  Even so, I knew I had to get out of the house and explore.  I had to meet people, learn my way around, and figure out exactly what I was made of.  
I wanted this to work. 


I believe in prayer.  I know it works.  I know people were placed in to my life, strategically, to guide me through my transition.  I am extremely social by nature, so having people in my life is crucial.  


Every person I met, even though he or she didn't realize it, enabled me to dig my nails into the cliff and regain my grip.  I was no longer dangling off the edge.  Eventually, I felt myself nervously sitting on the cliff.  Then, I began to relax.  Finally, I was standing on the cliff and actually enjoying the view!


Six months into our move I went back to Illinois for an eleven day visit.  It was wonderful and rejuvenating.  I cherished every second of it.  After the eleven days, I returned home...to New York.  I didn't question it.  I didn't wonder whether or not I could do it.  I felt confident and content.


I continued to meet people and learn, grow, and explore.  I have watched my husband and children do the same.  It has blessed me beyond words.  My family is strong and able to adapt to change of circumstance and surroundings.  


I am so proud of us, as a family...not at all in a boastful way.  It is with complete humility that I say that.  This year has been successful due to our faith in God, the love and support of family and friends, and the love and commitment that we have to each other.


The first year is over!  Some days it seems like only yesterday that we packed up and moved here, and other days it seems as if New York has always been our home.  
TIme has a way of doing that.


All fear is gone.  There is no time in this glorious life for fear.


Thefab4 will be celebrating this past year, every good time, and every bad time, with dinner and a Yankees game.  


As for my blog, well, I guess it's no longer a blog about moving across the country.  It'll be about life as we all know it.  Some parts are fabulous, and some are cruel.  Some parts bring uncontrollable tears, and other bring laughter that literally hurts.  
That is life for each and every one of us.
We're all in it together.  


It's good to be home.

May 13, 2012/ Days 272-343

Sometimes I get a powerful craving for Mexican food.  I long for the crispy chips and spicy salsa and dream about the cheese, grease and lively atmosphere; however, if one goes back and reads Day 6, Wednesday, June 8, 2011, he or she will discover why Mexican food and I have had sort of a "separation" throughout the past eleven months.


On June 6, 2011, our sixth day in New York, we decided to try a local Mexican restaurant in hopes that we would have a taste, not only of spicy heaven, but also...of home.  We went to the restaurant, desperate, homesick, and extremely lonely.   I ended up receiving a phone call from my mom during our dinner, starting crying as soon as I heard her voice, and we had to leave the restaurant. My heart was literally aching.  My mind was asking, "What have you all done?"


I decided I was going to avoid that restaurant.  Maybe it was a mind game I was playing with myself without even realizing it.  Maybe it was a coping mechanism.  Who knows.  About a month ago I did visit the restaurant with my husband, but I did not go in.  We sat in the outdoor seating.  It, literally, was too painful to go inside.  I could still visualize the place we were sitting in June of 2011, and the looks of sorrow on my children's faces, and the empty space in my soul.  


Last night, I took the plunge.  My husband asked where I wanted to go for dinner and I said, "Let's do Mexican!"  He said, "Here?  At our Mexican restaurant?"  Confidently, I replied, "Yes!"


We were seated, as coincidence would have it, right across from our "former" seats.  The restaurant was full of people thrilled to be out celebrating something as simple as Saturday night!  I took a deep breath, relaxed, and settled into my chair.  I looked at my husband and he knew exactly what I was thinking:  I did it!  I'm here and I'm happy!


As we were stuffing our faces, our daughter drove by with a friend from Illinois.  She was showing her best friend around our town and the surrounding areas.  She takes pride in it, and it thrills me.  The last time we had dinner here, my mom called and I burst into tears, but not this time.  Instead, I received a text from a wonderful friend here in New York, and this individual was headed to our house to hang out for awhile.  A friend!  That was something I missed terribly last June, and, now, I have made amazing friends and met so many fabulous people.  God really is watching out for me and knows what I need!


We thoroughly enjoyed, what we refer to as, our "celebratory dinner."  
We have a lot to celebrate...the bond my family of four share, our old friends and our new friends, our strength and our adjustment to what life directs our way.

Mark Twain, so full of wisdom, said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't' do than by the ones that you did.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover." Mr. Twain, I've thrown off the bowlines, and I have certainly sailed away from my safe harbor.  The trade winds are caught up in my sails and I'm exploring, dreaming, and discovering so many wonderful things, people, places and ideas! Thank you, Lord, for courage.

Days 160-271 Keep On Keepin On!

I can't believe it's been over 100 days since my last post!  When visiting Illinois during Christmas, one of my daughter's wise friends said, "I love reading your blog, but when the posts stopped coming daily, I was happy because I knew you were getting comfortable."
Maybe she's right!


I am definitely becoming quite acclimated to my community, and that is a rewarding feeling.  As an adult, it is never easy meeting people when you have no contacts, no connections.  I still have days with tears for what "once was," but they don't happen very often, and it is largely due to my friend, Rosemary.


As I moved to New York with my family in June due to my husband's job, Rosemary moved with her family to New York in July, from Canada, due to her husband's job.  I went to my son's school for a "New Family Orientation." Fortunately, we ended up in the same tour!  We were both feeling lost, confused, and lonely.  We were a perfect pair! 


We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.  Later that week, I got a text from her, we met for coffee, and we became instant companions.  She knew exactly what I was going through, and the feeling was mutual.  


I always tell my daughter that everyone needs, "that person," and as long as you have him or her, then you are genuinely blessed.  "That person" is the one you call for coffee at the spur of the moment, or invite yourself over to their home to sit around and talk, or for any late night or last minute Target run.  I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm referring to, and you're picturing "your person" in your mind right now!  My "that person" was Rosemary.


My sister met Rosemary when she was here visiting me from Illinois.  She fell in love with her and said, "Heather, you and Rosemary are like the odd couple.  That's why it works so well!"


It was obvious what she meant.  Rosemary has dark auburn hair with bright, brown eyes.  I am blonde and blue-eyed.  Rosemary is refined and educated on so many of the finer things in life. She is soft spoken and relatively calm.  
I, on the other hand, am loud, simple, and overdramatic.
She introduced me to fine food and fabulous clothing brands that I had never ever heard of!  I introduced her to diner food and Xhilaration brand from Target!


What did we have in common?  Well, we are both under 5 ft. 3, which never ceased to make a shopping excursions hilarious.  We both have children, and we had both undergone a major transition in our lives.  


Since meeting in August, she has rejoiced with me in my triumphs and successes, and I have done the same for her.  Equally important, she has literally pulled strength out of my soul when I didn't think I had any left.  When Rosemary is feeling down and stressed, she knows she has to get out of the house.  She would call me and we would go out exploring.  We found so many amazing restaurants, fabulous shopping spots, and beautiful landscapes in New York.  Then, by the time we picked our kids up from school, she was feeling better!


She soon discovered that when I am down, I tend to withdraw.  I remember one time in particular.  I had just had "enough."  I'm sure we've all been there one time or another.  It seemed as if nothing was going right.  I missed my family.  I didn't feel like I was "fitting in" like I did in Illinois.  I was having horrible headaches most of the day, every single day.  She was texting and I was giving excuses as to why I couldn't go out.  Really, I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I was struggling mentally and physically and I felt a million miles away from everything I knew.
What did Rosemary do?  She texted, "Come on, we're going to the gym."  I responded with, "No, I think I'll hang out here today.  My head hurts."  She replied, "I will be at your house in 15 minutes to drive us to the gym."  So, I got up, got dressed, and we were off!
Thankfully, she knows me well! 


This past Wednesday, Rosemary called and invited me over for coffee and conversation.  She had been acting strange.  She seemed distant on Monday and Tuesday...completely preoccupied.  I was even beginning to wonder if I had somehow offended her.  


Upon arriving, I looked at Rosemary and knew immediately there was a problem.  Teary eyed she said, "Heather, we're moving."
I said, "Oh no you're not!" (I wasn't kidding!)
But, she was.  Her husband's job was being transferred.
We sat at her kitchen table sipping coffee and being sad.  Finally, Rosemary smoothed things over as she always does.  She said, "I guess it is what it is.  We are healthy, and we should be thankful that our husband's have jobs.  We have to just be thankful."
I said, "You're right.  We have to keep on keepin' on."


That night, the two of us went out late and treated ourselves to a steak dinner.  I guess stress makes us hungry.  Ok...to be fair, she had a half portion of salad and still took home leftovers, and I had the entire steak dinner.


Sometimes life can be difficult and seem so unfair.  Death, major moves, sickness, anxiety, and even simple normal life stressors can, at times, become overwhelming; however, my friendship with Rosemary has taught me a very important lesson:  Count your blessings...no matter what.  The situation, no matter how intense or insignificant, isn't the problem.  How we react to the situation is key to our failure or success. We must learn to search and seek out the blessing in it every situation.


Rosemary and her wonderful family will be moving from New York at the end of June.  We decided that we were going to squeeze every bit of fun out of the next four months!  We won't dwell on the move.  Instead, we will just enjoy life together.


This season of our friendship will be over soon, and another season of our friendship will begin.  I know the season well.  I refer to it as the season of "technology."  If you live away from anyone you love, you probably know it well, too.  It consists of cell phone conversations, texting, Facebook, and Skype.  It's certainly not as easy as having "that person" that is physically there on a daily basis; however, I have seen some of my relationships with people in Illinois get stronger since we moved.  So, it is possible!


So, here's to a fun four months, and technology, and learning to "go with the flow" no matter how big or small the situation.


Thanks for the life lesson, constant companionship, and the hours of fun, Rosemary.

Days 137-159 To Unpack, or Not To Unpack...That Is the Question

Here I sit on day 159.  My house is clean and everything is put away in its place.  Pictures are hung on the walls.  My furniture is arranged just so, and I am pleased with it. Well, all of the above is true except for one room in our home: the master bedroom.


Before we moved, we let our kids choose their room colors and themes.  My daughter went from hot pink and lime green with polka dots everywhere, to a more "naturesque" feel, with shades of light and dark grey, soft turquoise and tans. My son used to have a sports themed room, but when we moved he decided he wanted a red, black and blue rock star themed room.


I am going to be real honest here, and some of you won't even believe this.  I have not unpacked all of my bedroom.  I still have six huge boxes sitting on the floor.  Each are full.  I have not hung my pictures or my mirror.  They are all just sitting on the floor, leaning up against the wall.  There is nothing on my dresser.  I have beautiful built in shelves in the bedroom.  They have such potential; however, they have just become a "catch all" for papers, receipts, and other items I'm just not sure what to do with.  


We have had many family and friends visit from Illinois.  As I show them the bedroom and we get to ours, I just say, "We've been so busy that I just haven't got around to this room yet."  Honestly, we are now used to stepping over boxes in our bedroom.  We have lived here for over five months, and nothing has changed. My sisters and my mother-in-law have been here twice.  It isn't easy the second time someone visits to explain to them why your room is still unpacked.


My husband has asked me many times over the last few months if I had planned on unpacking the room.  He says he'll help me.  I usually just say, "Oh, I will; I've just been busy."  Other times I'll just change the subject. 
Why?


A couple of weeks ago, as we were putting away laundry as we stepped over boxes and tried not to knock the pictures on the floor over, he stopped and said, "Heather, do you think this is all a subconscious thing? Do you think you're not unpacking the room because you are not ready to "fully" be here yet.  You're not ready to move completely in and really give it your all?  Maybe you are keeping a bit of our things still packed up because that makes everything seem permanent?"


Wow!  I was speechless, and that rarely happens.  I never realized it before he said it, but maybe he was right.  I didn't unpack anything, but I began to ponder the situation a little each day.  A couple of things stood out to me.  First, I have a pretty amazing husband.  He is so kind and understanding.  He knew I wasn't ready to unpack our bedroom, and he was fine with it.  He wanted me to wait until I was ready.  Every time he asked me about it, and I blew him off, he didn't keep hounding me.  He left it alone and waited for me.  Second, I realized he was right.  As crazy as it may sound, I do believe that is exactly what I have been doing.


Before we moved, I wasn't sure if I would make it here in New York.  I wasn't sure if I would last a week, a month, six months...I was very unsure if I could do it.  I love my "comfort zone."  I love things that are familiar and safe.  Illinois was all of those things to me.  


Now, New York is beginning to feel like my comfort zone.  It is familiar to me, and that makes me feel safe.  I feel strong and confident.  I am not saying that to brag on myself.  On the contrary, I am saying it because I am so proud of my husband, my kids, and, yes, even myself.  We have moved 15 hours away from the only home we ever knew, and are creating a home here. We are meeting friends and exploring our surroundings and learning things about ourselves that we would have never learned had we let my fears dictate whether or not we moved.  


Also, I have to give much credit to my family and good friends.  They have pushed me, on my bad days, to get up and get out of the house.  They have spent many hours with me on Skype.  They text me and send us cards and sweet messages.  In the beginning, when I just wanted to go home, they encouraged me.  They helped me grow and I am so thankful for them.


I am ready to unpack my room.  Maybe this weekend, the four of us will go in there and just "dig in."  I don't know how long we will reside in New York.  Maybe we'll be here for another year.  Maybe we will be here for two or more years.  Life is too unpredictable to pretend to know things like that.  A year ago I didn't think I'd be here, in New York, blogging about moving to New York...but I am! I have learned to take things one day at a time.  For the most part, I no longer worry about the future.  We can't control it anyway.  For me, being able to put worries about the future away, is like struggling to climb to the top of a rocky mountain, and then, finally making it to the top! I have dealt with this issue for my entire life, and I am finally getting it figured out!


For now, New York is my home. I am unpacking my room.  

Days 126-136 MY GIRL

I am blessed to share my life with the most amazing and unique girl ever to inhabit this earth.  She is apectacular in so many ways.   The first thing most people notice is her outward beauty.  Then, they get to know this girl, and they are amazed to discover that her inner beauty exceeds her gorgeous exterior.  She is smart, capable, genuine and, honestly, one of the funniest girls I have ever encountered.  Who is this fabulous girl?

She is my daughter. 

My daughter was born, "mature."  My husbad and I were very young when she was born, and we never "baby talked" to her.  We spoke to her just as she was "one of us."  My husband and I were in college.  We had many late nights studying and preparing for our college courses.  Our daughter stayed up with us and colored, drew pictures, played Barbies, and then we would all three go to bed late into the night.  Yes, looking back now, we probaby should have put her to bed at a normal bedtime, but she just hung out with us, and it was comforting and wonderful.

She was the cutest little blonde, blue-eyed, story-telling toddler.  She was so creative.  She loved glue sticks, construction paper, colored feathers and cotton balls and popsicle sticks.  She would sit for hours and make the most amazing crafts.  She enjoyed playing with friends and loved family time in our tiny apartment.

As an elementary aged girl she was smart, bold and sassy.  She wanted to wear sparkly belts, jeans and sweaters.  She had leopard print boots.  She enjoyed American Girl dolls and Barbies.  She would spend lots of time organizing her Barbie houses.  My husband and I both played this with her often.  I'd love to have a calculation of the number of hours we spent playing, "dollhouse," as she often referred to it.  My mom, sisters and I would take my daughter on shopping trips, and it wasn't difficult at all.  It was pure joy.  She was "one of the girls.

In jr. high my girl really began to establish a love for sports.  She played volleyball, travel softball, and basketball.  She also played the trumpet and was a fabulous saxophone player.  My husband and I loved watching her play sports and perform in concerts.  By then, we had our son, and he woud travel with us to all of her games.  She was a smart and capable student who cared about her academics.   The Barbies, dollhouse, and American Girl dolls were all stored away.  They made room for sports equipment, makeup, cool clothes, and friends.  I was proud that my girl was growing up. 

High school began!  Whoa!  There are vast differences between jr. high and high school.  Football games, friends, and "going out" replaced most of the sports equipment and time at home.  Evetually my girl decided to put sports on hold and join clubs at school and beyond.  She was in the Community Service Club, volunteered at the Special Olympics, was VP of her class, volunteered at a local nursing home, and volunteered at a large hospital in our town.  At this time, she began to realize that she needed to completely turn her life over to God.  There are so many distractions and negative influences in a teenagers life.  Ultimately, it is the teens decison to take part in these distractions, or deny them.  My girl wanted nothing to do with them.  It didn't matter if it cost her friends or popularity.  She didn't care one bit about that; however, she did care about her classmates and wanted them to feel the peace that she felt each day simply because she chose to put her trust in Jesus. 
She went to the administration at her public school.  She wanted to start a Bible study for her classmates, once per month.  It would be completely voluntary, and could be held during a free period.  The administration told her they would have to "look into it."
They called her in a week later and gave her the green light!  She prepared her Bible study, prayed about it, and nervously went into the classroom to begin her first study.  She didn't know if anyone would show up.  I told her, "If only one person comes to your Bible study, then it was worth it."
That day, 60 students crowded into a little room to hear my girl share her love for Jesus Christ.  At the end, they all got in a circle, took their neighbor's hand, and she prayed.
As a parent, my cup runneth over...

My girl started her senior year in a brand new school, because we moved here to NY in June.  My heart broke for her.  How would I have reacted if my parents had told me that we were moving my senior year? 
My girl has amazed me every single day.  Many times since our move, she has picked me up because I had "fallen."  She has transitioned beautifully.  She has made connections with the most unbelievable girls I have ever met.  They love her, and she loves them dearly.  She tried out for the varsity volleyball team, and made it.  We have enojoyed watching her play once again.  Now that her brother is older, he sits, eats popcorn, and watches the scoreboard closely.  The other night, it was a close game, and when we finally won,  his gigantic smile was priceless.  He was so proud of his big sister.  He idolizes her.  Their relationship is so special because there is a ten year difference between their ages.  She takes care of him, loves him, almost like he is her own son, and guards him.  She protects her brother!   If ayone talks negatively about him, or even looks at him hatefully, that person will feel the wrath of my girl!

My girl has been filling out college applications, writing college essays, researching colleges, and thinking about college choices.  It is something we discuss and plan for on a daily basis lately.  Deadlines are coming, and we have to meet them.  We have been so busy planning and researching.  It has been all-consuming lately.

Last night, something strange happened.  I had been upstairs in my girl's room looking over college information.  She was stressed and I was stressed and we decided to take a break for awhile, go to bed, and begin again the next day.  I came downstairs and sit down next to my husband.  All of the sudden, tears began to flow.  They came out of nowhere, so my husband was shocked.  He said, "What is wrong?"
I began to explain.  Ok.  It hit me.  I've been so busy thinking about college, college essays, college appications and college programs, that I have failed to think about the fact that my girl going to college means that she will no longer be living with us.  Our lives, yet again, will change drastically in about nine months.  I have thought about this in the past, but it seemed so distant.  I just felt like I had more time, but time flies, and there is nothing we can do to slow it.
My girl, my sweet blonde-hair, blue-eyed, sassy and unique girl will live elsewhere in about nine months.  No more arguments, backtalk, eye rolling, door slamming or messes.  No more daily hugs, talks, laughs, nightly dinners, high school sports, Saturday morning doughnuts, or the comfort of going to bed each night knowing she was safely sleeping two doors down the hallway from me.

My mom says that I will be fine.  I will.  I'm tough, and so is my girl, but how fast this milestone in our lives arrived.  It seems like only yesterday we were sitting in her room.  She had pigtails and a sparkly outfit on, and we were playing dollhouse.  Honestly, at that time, I believed that would last forever.  I think it is something that, as parents, we separate ourselves from.  Who wants to think about that?

I don't know why this has overwhelmed me all of the sudden.  My husband and I are giving her more freedom, which means more responsibility.  She has to be ready to "fly away" and be successful.  We won't be there to remind her each day to do certain things or meet certain deadlines.  It will be solely her responsibility.  I know she will exceed my expectations, because she always does.

Our children don't belong to us; they belong to God.  They are His children that He has trusted us with to raise, love, educate, and, more importantly, share Him and His love and grace and message with them.  Time is ticking.  Did I do my job?  Did I do all that I could?  Did I play enough games, spend enough time, teach her about life...the good and the bad? 

I know my girl knows that I love her unconditionally.  My love for her grows more deeply every day.  She is my sunshine on a cloudy day.  I look into her eyes, and I see myself, only so much better!  She is my precious daughter, and this time next year, she will be away at college, studying and learning and living independantly.  I am proud of my girl.  I admire her strength.  She is becoming a woman of integrity.  She is becoming...a woman.   She is no longer the pig-tailed toddler who came to me for her every need and want.  Our relationship has changed and grown throughout the years.  She blesses me beyond measure.

Some of my readers have young chilren.  I know they can be exhausting to raise!  It's easy to think, "It'll be so much easier when they're walking!  It'll be less difficult when they can talk!  Everything will get better when they start school!"  Obviously, that, to some extent is true, but I can say this with certainly, "It is not easier when it is time for them to leave."

Other readers have young men and women living with you, and they will be "leaving the nest" this year or next.  You "get" what I'm saying.  You've been there.  You know, firsthand, how cruel time can be sometimes.  It just flies, and life must go on.

I know my girl is ready.  She is tough, saavy, honest and filled with God's love.  She is my warrior princess/hippie.  My girl is unique and strong.  I will cherish the end of her senior year, and celebrate with her as she moves on to pursue her education so that she is prepared to go out into this world and soar!

I want to end with a quote by Erich Fromm. 
"The mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic.  It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother, and to become fully independent.

Days 121-125 Random Thoughts

 On March 29. 2011, I was getting preparing to celebrate my 35th birthday.  I was also preparing to move across the country.  I was having a "day."  All of these random thoughts from nearly  35 years were encompassing my mind.  I was filled with a plethora of random ideas, fears, hopes and dreams.  I decided to post them in a Note on facebook. I'm not sure why.  I guess I sort of wonder if other people feel the same way that I feel or if they have the same random thoughts and ideas that I have.  I am a very open person, so sharing my thoughts and feelings doesn't make at all apprehensive.
I am resharing my facebook Note in my blog, but a few things have changed.  These things have changed because I have changed.  It has been just over six months since my facebook Note, and my life has changed in great magnitudes in that time. 

• Kindly speak your mind.  Even when someone comes at you with rage, your stance will be heard and responded to if you are kind.
• Go without makeup.  Run errands and spend days with no make up on.  It is humbling.  Even if all of the other moms go to the grocery store looking as if they are heading out to do a photoshoot for Fit Magazine, you don't have to.  We all look the same first thing in the morning.  Sometimes it's just nice to stay that way all day.
• Embrace your age.  Love your body. I would love to be about 5ft. 9in. tall.  I'm not and I never will be.  Unfortunatley, it took me over thirty years to accept that fact.
• .Love people more than anything else.  There are so many lonely people, but we don't make the time to realize it and reach out to them.  Since we have moved, this point speaks volumes, because I have actually been that lonely person.  In the beginning, if more people would have reached out to me and said a kind word or welcomed me to the community, the transition would have been vastly different and easier
• Forgive.  It is so hard to really forgive when someone hurts us physically or emotionally.  Forgiving is the most freeing thing you can do for yourself.  Plus, the Bible speaks so plainly on the subject.  We HAVE to forgive others, and ourselves.
• Don't let your past dictate your future.  This has taken me SO long...way too long, to figure out.  I was a rebellious youth, a teen mom, and a very insecure person.  For years, I worked so hard to make up for all of that.  I spent countless hours trying to prove how "smart" I was and that i WAS "good enough."  I was letting my past define me.  I am way beyond just "good enough."  I am a child of the King! 
• I am all about having good clean fun.  Laughter really is medicine.  Since my c-section seven years ago, I've been know to laugh so hard that I pee my pants.  I am totally ok with that. :) 
• Age really is just a number.  I have always loved birthdays and I celebrate them with a passion.  I put my heart into every birthday that I plan for my husband and my children, and even for myself.  I don't mind at all to throw myself a big birthday party.  Another year of life is worth celebrating!
• Cherish every age and stage your child goes through.  Most of my friends have babies, toddlers, and elementary aged kids.  My oldest child will be heading to college in only a year.  I remember, vividly, giving birth to her as if it were only yesterday.  Where did all of those years go?  I don't know where they went, but I do know that I can't even get one single second of them back.  Do not rush them to walk, talk, start school, etc...just savor every moment of parenthood.
• All of this is opinion, but I have to say that, in my opinion, my kids are brilliant and amazing.  I do not take for granted the fact that I am blessed beyond measure.  The joy they bring into my life is something that words just cannot express.  They have moved across the country, and created these new lives for themselves.  It has not been easy.  They knew not one person when we arrived.  A week ago, my daughter had sixteen friends over for pizza and is thriving in activities and extra curriculars.  My son is making friends and enjoying amazing adventures.  He was invited to a birthday party today, and he can't even think of who the kid is, but this kid knows my son, and invited him!  Due to the move we have given our children something very valuable.  They have been given the ablity to adapt in new and extremely challenging situations.  They can be separated from their "comfort zones" and be successful.  I can't begin to describe how proud I am of my kids. 
• Make time for your spouse.  Make your husband or wife feel like they are the king or queen of the world.  Laugh with them and just enjoy life together...the good and the bad.  The bond between a husband and a wife is miraculous.  I thank God every day for my husband of 17 years..  He is a true blessing and a huge source of strength for me.
• I admit it:  My parents are, and always have been RIGHT.  Now that I'm adult, if I am stressed, my dad will call me and give me a scripture verse to reflect upon or words of encouragement, and the stress fades.  I tell my mom that she is my "medicine."  All she has to do is listen to me, and it's like I've received a big dose of medicine!
• I pray we are raising our children to have a passion for Jesus, and that they will love Him with their whole hearts and share His love with others. 
• I pray we have taught our kids kindness.  I want to have the type of kids that will go out of their way to befriend the friendless.  I know that they both fully see the importance of this now, because when we moved they "were" the friendless.  Kind young people reached out to them and got to know them.  They have wonderful friends now that, only six months ago, they weren't even aware of.
• When it is time for my kids to leave the "nest," I pray they will fly with the strongest wings possible, and they will soar like eagles.  I pray, at that time, that I am strong enough to be ok with the fact that they will no longer be living with me.  I realize that at this time next year, I will actually be living this, since my daughter will be in college.   They may be called to serve the Lord and the world in a country far away from here.  If that is the case, I will be proud that I contributed to their independence, and I will be incredibly thankful for technology.
• I am still learning that I just can't control everything.  I have to hand the reigns of my life over to my Maker.
• I have learned who my true friends are and what makes a friend.  It has been a hard lesson, but I am conforted believing that some people come into our lives for a reason, some for a season, and some for a lifetime.  Even my "reason" and "season" friends have been true gifts.  Some were put into my life for a reason:  to teach me something or help me along.  Others were put into my life for a season:  They were here only for a season.  They were beautiful seasons, but as we know, seasons come and go, and we just have to be ok with that.  Other friends are here for a lifetime.  I praise my Lord for my lifetime friends.
• I know one day I will win my battle with anxiety.  I have come such a long way and I give God and my family all the credit for helping me with this fight.  I believe that one day this will no longer be an issue in my life at all.  Until that day, I will "baby step" my way through and learn and grow from every struggle I have concerning anxiety.  Recently, I read a quote and it really hit home with me.  "Anxiety is like a rocking chair.  It gives you something to do, but it never gets you anywhere."  I have things to do.  I don't have time to not "get anywhere." 
• Physical exercise is important for health reasons, but it should never be #1, or even #2 or 3.  I have learned to be very careful with obsessions, whatever they may be.
• As I am getting "older," I am noticing lots of fine lines around my eyes.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I am also getting a line between my eyes.  I like the way my face looks when I lift up on my forehead or eyes and "viola!"  It looks as if I've had an instant face lift!  My wise mother would say, "Thank God you have eyes that can see.  Who cares if you have a few wrinkles around them!"
• I love my computer because I am in constant contact with people.  I love people and sharing and receiving ideas with them.  I have noticed that relationships that I had with some people from Illinois have actually strenghened since our move.  This is due to the computer.  We have made an effort to skype and contact through facebook and email. 
• I am a firm believer that "things" do not make people happy.  Things definitely create temporary happiness, which is nice "temporarily," but I believe we should be focusing more on long term happiness.  People are the key.
• I disagree with sugar coating things for our children.  Life is hard.  The sooner they realize that, the sooner they will be able to adjust and live successfully.
• My sisters are precious gifts from God.  They are built-in best friends for life.
• I respect the fact that life is fragile and so beautiful.  Never, ever avoid telling someone how you feel about them.  If you have the urge to say, "I love you," then just say it!!  If you feel like hugging someone, then hug them!  I love giving hugs.  I have, since our move, given hugs to people who are complete strangers, but they were so kind to me, so I felt like I had to hug them.
• I think sometimes we come to a place in our lives where the situation we are dealing with is just way too big.  We have to either trust God completely, or just fall flat on our faces.  I feel that I am in this place right now and I am determined to seek His face so that He can guide me as I continue to adjust and thrive on the new endeavor, which is our move.
• My husband often says, "Two different people can have the exact same day, but their perspective means everything.  Person A reports the day was "awful."  They feel this way simply because nothing "great " happened.  Person B reports a "good" day.  They feel this way simply because nothing "horrible" happened.  It's all a matter of perspective."  I am working hard to take on his perspective.  Unfortunately, I have been guilty of having a bad day, or a bad event in my life, and I equate that to having a "bad life."  That is absurd, and it pains me that I have actually done that.
•   I worried about our move.  My heart broke when I said "goodbye" to the people and places and things that I loved.  I ached ponering the idea that my children's lives were getting ready to be turned upside down for awhile.  Would they be ok?   I feared that I couldn't handle it.  I doubted my ability to adjust or even function outside of my "comfort zone"  I have never struggled to such a degree in my entire life.  I  have had some of my lowest moments here.  I have literally, many times, collapsed to the floor after the kids go to bed and sobbed, for hours.  My husband has not left my side during those times.  He comforts me and encourages me.  The sobs are so deep and so great that it hurts everywhere.  I have felt alone.  I have felt unwelcomed.  I have felt like an alien on another planet.  Then, I became determined to "live life."  I had to get out there and do my  part.  I couldn't succeed in my new environment if I stayed in the house.  I began living again.  I am meeting people.  I have met so many interesting people from all over the country.  Their stories and experiences inspire me.  I still have bad days like everyone else.  I still cry sometime, just like everyone else.  The deep, painful sobs are gone.  I have grown and it makes me proud.  I was...I am, capeable of so much more than I ever imagined. 
• I do not feel that I have simply, "moved."  I feel like I have been "planted."  I plan to bloom brightly.
• I have several verses I'd like to share:
• If God be for me, who can be against me??  Romans 8:31
• I will be strong and vigorous and very courageous.  I will not be afraid, neither will I be dismayed, for the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.  He never rejects me but He promises to be with me always.  Joshua 1:9 and Matthew 28:20
• My worrying and being anxious will not add one unit of measure to my stature or to the span of my life.  Matthew 6:2,5
• My children fear the Lord and keep all His statutes and commandments.  They love the Lord with all their mind and heart and their entire being and with all their might.  Deuteronomy 6:2,5
• My children make right choices according to the Word of God.  Isaiah 54:13
• I am not controlled by what people think of me.  As long as God is satisfied with me , then I am satisfied.  1 Corinthians 4:3-4
• God is my sheild, my glory and the lifter of my head.  Psalm 3:3
• The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  But Jesus came that I may have and enjoy life and have it in abundance.  John 10:10
• When I feel hurt and brokenhearted God binds up my wounds and cures my pain and sorrow.  Psalm 147:3
• God will cover me with His wings; I will be safe in His care; His faithfulness will protect and defend me.  I need not fear any danger at ight or sudden attacks during the day.  Psalm 91:4-5
• My light shall break forth like the morning, and my healing shall spring forth speedily.  Isaiah 58:8
• I am one of God's sheep and His sheep hear His voice.  John 10:27
• You are my God; teach me to do Your will.  Be good to me,a nd guide me on a safe path.  Rescue me, Lord, as you have promised; in Your goodness save me from my troubles.  Psalm 143: 10-11
• I fear not, for God is with me; I am not dismayed, for He is my God.  He will strengthen me, yes, He will help me;  He will uphold me with His righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10
• I can do anything God asks me to with the help of Christ who gives me strength and power.  Philippians 4:13
• God is my refuge and strength, an everpresent help in trouble.  Psalm 46:1I am called Your name.  I humble myself, pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity Your face and turn from my wicked ways.  In doin this, You have promised to hear from heaven, forgive my sins, and heal my land.  2 Chronicles 7:14
• I am more than a conqueror through christ who loves me.  Romans 8:34
• It is God's desire that I be free from all anxiety and distressing cares.  1 Corinthians 7:32
• As I think in my heart, so am I.  Proverbs 23:7
• God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.  2 Timothy 1:7
• God has given me the commandment that I should love others just as He loves me.  John 13:34
• O Lord, You have searched me and know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise.  You understand mmy thoughts.  You sift and search out my path and my lying down, and You are acquainted with all my ways.  For there is not a word on my tongue, still unuttered, but, behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.  Psalm 139:1--4