It happened to me today; one of those events that make one sit back and reflect.
What was the event? I was at the mall and a teenage boy passed me wearing a Chicago Bears shirt.
I literally stopped. Right there in mid-walk, I stopped. I qustioned my husband, "Was that boy wearing a Bears shirt?" My husband replied, "I don't know; I didn't notice."
I noticed! I haven't seen anyone representing any Illinois teams since we moved 98 days ago.
As strange as it sounds, when I saw the big orange "C" on the shirt, I felt a hollow feeling. I felt a longing.
I am adjusting to NY life. I am certainly doing my best. Some days it seems like we have just always lived here. Other days, I feel like we just moved and that there should still be boxes everywhere needing to be unpacked.
I believe, for some reason, right now, I am just longing for familiarity. I'm longing for the familiarity that surrounded me, in the same city in Illinois, for 25 years. I know that some days my son longs for that familiarity as well. I know that today was one of those days for him. It's obvious to me. As his mother, I know him almost as well as I know myself, and it hurts when I know he is struggling.
He is going to a large school. He has no "connections." It is up to him to meet people on his own. It is up to him to use his best judgement as to whether someone is a good person or not. He started soccer today. He knew not one person on his team, and he had never met his coaches. I watched him closely. He did his best, and he is strong. Still, he was having some difficulty. I "get" it. It breaks my heart.
I don't know what made today "that day" for us. Who knows?
The Chicago Bears shirt...it was a welcomed sight! We'll be going "home" for Christmas. It will have been seven monthss since we were last there.
NY is becoming my new normal. It really is; however, there is really something to be said for "familiarity." It is comforting and predictable. Sometimes a little predictability is nice!
I was praying last night. I kept asking God to illuminate the path that I am supposed to be taking. My husband is thriving at work. He loves his job and is enjoys and respects his colleagues. My daughter is the happiest I've ever seen her. She has met the sweetest girls. They have all been so welcoming! She is on the volleyball team and the forensics club recruited her as well. She has become quite the social butterfly, and every second of that just makes my heart leap with joy. For the most part, my son is adjusting. He is courageous. He is such a kind-hearted person. He is, overall, doing well.
Then...there is me. Yes, I'm having fun. I'm experiencing activities and opportunities that I never thought I would be able to. I laugh a lot and I am learning a lot about myself. I am really learning who I am and what I am capeable of. Still, I struggle with my "role" in all of this.
Anyway, back to my prayer. I was asking God to "illuminate my path. Direct and guide the path I am supposed to take by bright illuminators." I asked him to illuminate my path just as an airplane is trying to land, and the pilot looks for the illuminator lights on the ground. They create the perfect path that the airplane is supposed to take. I am the airplane, wandering, and God is the pilot. He is guiding me, but I know I need to listen more closely. Sometimes I know that he, the pilot, is turning me, the plane, one way, but I, instead, go another way. If I am not watching closely and listening to the pilot, then how can I find the illuminated path...the perfect path that is all lit up and waiting for me to land?
Wow...the feelings that a simple Chicago Bears shirt brought up inside of me today. Home. I guess that's what I longed for when the boy walked by wearing that shirt. Will Illinois always be home? Will I consider NY "home" one day?
I guess only time will tell.
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