Recently, I blogged about "attitude." How one chooses to reacts to a situation is key. It is all about attitude. Our attitude is one of the few things that we can actually control.
This is something I have to work on every single day. My dad used to say, "Heather, you need an attitude adjustment!" He was usually right.
I've actually had to say that to myself several times throughout the past few days.
My husband came home from work on Friday and I was having a meltdown. You may wonder what exactly a meltdown is. Well, it's when I am crying so hard that one can't really even understand what I am saying as I try to talk through the tears. He kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He wanted to know why I was crying. He was trying to fix it.
A couple of things had happened that day, and neither warranted a meltdown. I left the house only two times on Friday, and both times I had individuals treating me very rudely. They treated me in a way that made me want to look them in the eye and say, "How dare you? I am struggling here. Why on earth would you treat me this way when you don't even know me?"
In Illinois, this behavior would not have bothered me. I would have either laughed it off, or fought back. Then, it would have quickly been forgotten.
Why the difference?
I've said this before, but I have to say it again: I am completely out of my comfort zone! Everything is still unfamiliar. I have lived here for two months. I lived in Illinois for 25 years. Obviously, I am more comfortable in Illinois. Sometimes I just long for everything familiar. I ache for it.
I become very attached to "things." For example, I was born in Kentucky and lived there until I was ten-years-old. Even now, 25 years later, every time we visit Kentucky I have to drive past our old house. I drive by really slowly and try to look in the windows...creepy, huh? I loved that house! I remember the way it smelled, the games we played there, and the pets I cared for there. That house just brings me joy. I smile when I drive by. It's comforting. That's why I love driving by my childhood home during each visit to Kentucky.
Our house in Illinois recently sold. It's no longer my home. For the most part, I am thrilled that our house sold! We won't have to pay the mortgage there anymore, or the power bill, or lawn care, etc...Praise the Lord! We have been praying for the house to sell since before our move, and now it has! So, what is my problem with it? Well, selfishly, I fell in love with that house as well. We worked so hard to make that house a home. We picked out the perfect color for the walls, had so many laughs and also had some tears there. We celebrated birthdays, births, graduations, holidays and many milestones in that home. We had our family and friends over for food and fun in that house.
Now, it doesn't belong to us anymore.
Of course, when we go to Illinois in December, I will drive past that house, slowly, and smile. It will feel familiar, comfortable and warm. I look forward to it.
I've been told that it takes a year to adjust to a big move. Some days, I feel like I have lived here for years. Other days, I feel like an alien on a strange planet. I daydream about my hometown. I seriously crave everything that was familiar to me. I look through photo albums and I'll see pictures of the house that just sold, and I just stare at the picture as if it were another lifetime.
I need to change my attitude, and when I begin to have these feelings, I have to be brave and calm. I believe it is completely normal to experience the feelings and emotions that I am experiencing. It is okay to miss my old house, my old comfort zone, and everything familiar that Illinois offered me. I can't let it get to the meltdown point, though. I need to get to the point where I let myself be sad about what "was," and then move on and be happy about what "is." I am blessed and I know that.
I am just still getting used to all of the "new." I've never been great at change, but I am sure learning now!
On a lighter note: About a month or so ago, I blogged regarding going to the grocery store and never seeing a single person that I know. I love people, so not knowing anyone is very frustrating and, at times, lonley. Today was different!
I was coming out of the grocery store with a cart full of groceries. I was wearing a denim dress. The dress had quarter length sleeves with a V neck, which led to five buttons. I looked over to my right, and I thought, "That man looks so familiar." He was looking at me the same way. As soon as it became a little uncomfortable, he said, "Hey!" He started walking over to me and I was right! I knew him! It was the pastor of the very first church we visited. He has a son that is my son's age, and they became quick friends. The boys have played together a few times since we've moved here.
We had a nice conversation surrounding the start of school and getting our boys together for another play date. It was such a nice conversation and I smiled and as I turned away I said, "OK, I'll call you soon and we'll set up a day for the boys to play!" I began walking to the van. I happened to look down, and to my horror I realized that the top button on my dress was unbuttoned. Remember, the top button is already placed well under the V neck of the dress, therefore, my bra was completely exposed. Seriously, it looked like I was trying to put on a show...a very small show, but still a show! OMGoodness! I got in my van, looked in the mirror, and my face was so red. I could have cried.
Instead, I laughed and called my husband. He said, "Oh, Heather!" Then, he laughed hysterically.
I can't rush myself. I have to take my time and adjust. Total adjustment will happen; I have no doubt. Until then, I will really try to give myself permission to be sad for awhile when I miss the familiar people, places and things from back home. On the other hand, I will give myself the attitude adjustment I need when my "missing home" turns into a pity party.
And...I'll be sure to keep my top button buttoned.
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