It happened to me today; one of those events that make one sit back and reflect.
What was the event? I was at the mall and a teenage boy passed me wearing a Chicago Bears shirt.
I literally stopped. Right there in mid-walk, I stopped. I qustioned my husband, "Was that boy wearing a Bears shirt?" My husband replied, "I don't know; I didn't notice."
I noticed! I haven't seen anyone representing any Illinois teams since we moved 98 days ago.
As strange as it sounds, when I saw the big orange "C" on the shirt, I felt a hollow feeling. I felt a longing.
I am adjusting to NY life. I am certainly doing my best. Some days it seems like we have just always lived here. Other days, I feel like we just moved and that there should still be boxes everywhere needing to be unpacked.
I believe, for some reason, right now, I am just longing for familiarity. I'm longing for the familiarity that surrounded me, in the same city in Illinois, for 25 years. I know that some days my son longs for that familiarity as well. I know that today was one of those days for him. It's obvious to me. As his mother, I know him almost as well as I know myself, and it hurts when I know he is struggling.
He is going to a large school. He has no "connections." It is up to him to meet people on his own. It is up to him to use his best judgement as to whether someone is a good person or not. He started soccer today. He knew not one person on his team, and he had never met his coaches. I watched him closely. He did his best, and he is strong. Still, he was having some difficulty. I "get" it. It breaks my heart.
I don't know what made today "that day" for us. Who knows?
The Chicago Bears shirt...it was a welcomed sight! We'll be going "home" for Christmas. It will have been seven monthss since we were last there.
NY is becoming my new normal. It really is; however, there is really something to be said for "familiarity." It is comforting and predictable. Sometimes a little predictability is nice!
I was praying last night. I kept asking God to illuminate the path that I am supposed to be taking. My husband is thriving at work. He loves his job and is enjoys and respects his colleagues. My daughter is the happiest I've ever seen her. She has met the sweetest girls. They have all been so welcoming! She is on the volleyball team and the forensics club recruited her as well. She has become quite the social butterfly, and every second of that just makes my heart leap with joy. For the most part, my son is adjusting. He is courageous. He is such a kind-hearted person. He is, overall, doing well.
Then...there is me. Yes, I'm having fun. I'm experiencing activities and opportunities that I never thought I would be able to. I laugh a lot and I am learning a lot about myself. I am really learning who I am and what I am capeable of. Still, I struggle with my "role" in all of this.
Anyway, back to my prayer. I was asking God to "illuminate my path. Direct and guide the path I am supposed to take by bright illuminators." I asked him to illuminate my path just as an airplane is trying to land, and the pilot looks for the illuminator lights on the ground. They create the perfect path that the airplane is supposed to take. I am the airplane, wandering, and God is the pilot. He is guiding me, but I know I need to listen more closely. Sometimes I know that he, the pilot, is turning me, the plane, one way, but I, instead, go another way. If I am not watching closely and listening to the pilot, then how can I find the illuminated path...the perfect path that is all lit up and waiting for me to land?
Wow...the feelings that a simple Chicago Bears shirt brought up inside of me today. Home. I guess that's what I longed for when the boy walked by wearing that shirt. Will Illinois always be home? Will I consider NY "home" one day?
I guess only time will tell.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Days 86-95 MEAN GIRLS
What is a mean girl? I mean, what's the definition of "mean girl?" Is there one? If so, what causes a mean girl to be "mean?"
Many years ago I viewed the movie, "Mean Girls." I was a high school teacher at the time, and some students were talking about it. I thought I would watch it and try to figure the whole "mean girl" thing out. I was horrified. It wasn't a bit funny. It was cruel and malicious.
If we were all completely honest, most of us would have to admit to being tormented by a "mean girl" in our lives. A true "mean girl" torture is not just a one time event. Being tormented by a mean girl lasts for some time. It may take place for a few weeks, for a summer, for a school year, or maybe even every school year!
Mean girls seek out their prey carefully, just as a lioness seeks out a wounded gazelle. Who can she try to destroy and get by with it? Who is an easy target? Who would put up with the abuse?
I was recently involved in two "mean girl" incidents. One was with elementary aged girls, and the other was with teenagers.
My sister, nephew, and best friend were here visiting us from Illinois. One afternoon, we decided to walk the boys down to the park to play. We sat down at the first picnic table we came to. Across the park were three moms sitting together on a park bench talking. They automatically began to give us the "look." The look I'm talking about says, "What are they doing here? Do we know them? Do they live here? What's their story?" I am used to that "look" because I get it almost every time I walk down to the park.
I wanted to just get it over with and stand on top of the picnic table and scream at the top of my lungs over to them, "We're here to play. No, you don't know us. Yes, I do live here. There is no "story." We just brought two little boys to the park to release some of their energy."
Obviously, that's now how the story goes.
Our boys were running around gathering sticks and leaves and chasing each other. Also at this playground, were six little girls. The girls belonged to the three women who were giving us the "look."
After, literally, three minutes of our arrival, the girls began to try to get our boys in trouble. They were running next to our boys and saying, "We won't play with you." Our boys could have cared less. My sister, friend and I just sat and quietly watched all of this unfold.
Then, one little girl ran over to her mom and yelled, "Those boys are throwing sticks at us!" Gasp! My friend said to us, "What? They never threw anything at those girls!" Next, the mom looked at my son, who was busy playing and in her "mean girl" voice said, "Umm...don't throw sticks at them." Ok...by this point, the momma bear in me was becoming quite angry.
Everywhere our boys would go, the girls would follow and taunt them. The girls knew we were watching them, but it didn't matter one bit. They would follow our boys around and say, "Stay away from us. You can't play with us. Go home!" I was in shock.
I finally had to say something when I heard the other mom say to her daughter in her caddy voice, "Just stay away from them." She said the word, "them" as if she were talking about head lice or bed bugs.
I'm thinking, "How can they stay away from our boys when they are following our boys around?" I said, in my loud-enough-for-them-to-hear-me voice, "Boys, I know you weren't throwing sticks at those girls. We've been watching. Stay over here next to us, please."
Immediately, the three mothers looked as if they had seen a ghost. They began to whisper. I had it figured out: They were former mean girls who grew up to be mean women.
Yes, sadly, this situation is not unfamiliar to me. I have been at the same park before and witnessed similar events; however, this time was different. The last time something like this happened, I was alone. I went home, felt defeated, and shed a few tears over it. This time, I had my sister and best friend with me. I had allies. I knew they "had my back." So, I was better able to stand up to the "mommas of the mean girls."
Just as "mean girls" feel more powerful and wreak more havoc when they are accompanied by friends or followers, so does the person they are trying to hurt. If their prey has a friend or two around, then she is more likely to stand up to her antagonizer(s).
Now...on to the teenagers. Obviously, mean little girls turn into mean big girls, who ultimately turn into mean women.
My sister, friend and I boarded the train to NYC. We found the group of seats at the end that face each other. In other words, two or three people can sit facing another two or three people. It's perfect for traveling in groups. My sister and I sat in the two empty seats there, and our friend sat in the other row.
Two teenage girls were sitting across from my sister and I, and their friend, another teenage girl, was sitting next to my sister. I smiled at the girls and the train sped off. Was it my imagination, or were the girls mocking my smile? Every time I would look at them and smile, nod, or do anything at all, they would mock me! I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. They were laughing, whispering, and texting. I thought, "Ok, Heather. You're going overboard. These girls are not being mean. They're just having a good time together on the train."
I received a text. It was my sister who was seated right next to me. I opened it and it said, "These girls are making fun of us." I began to laugh. I thought I was going to fall out of my seat laughing. Here we were, two grown women, and three teenage girls are making us feel insecure and inadequate. We decided to just try to ignore them.
Oh my goodness! They began taking pictures of us with their phones. Every time I would look up they would snap a picture, then show each other, and then crack up laughing. I began to feel so embarassed. These girls were mean! They meant business! They were trying to belittle us, and it was working! Finally, the seats in across the aisle opened up and my sister and I moved over there to be next to our friend and away from the mean girls!
Then, I saw them looking back and making fun of a tall blonde. The woman, probably in her late 20's, was applying her make up on the train. She kept stopping and looking at the teens like, "You've got to be kidding me!" I think she was in shock, just as we had been. They began taking pictures of her. Tension was high. I could see that this woman was becoming frustrated. All of the sudden, she got out of her seat, walked the five rows up, and quietly said, "Do you B#$@&%$ have a problem?"
Oh my! My sister, friend and I just sat there with our mouths wide open! Out of nowhere came a man. He stood behind the tall blonde and said, "That's my daughter. Leave her alone!" The woman was trying to explain to him what was happening, and he denied their behavior and the lady finally just went and sit back down. Oh, this really got the mean girls going. Seriously, they had evil in their eyes.
I was steaming. I had seen it all. I had experienced some of it!
Why were these girls so mean? How could they be this way to other people? What kind of parent would allow this type of behavior?
Is that where the whole problem lies...with the parents?
Nobody is perfect. Any parent who thinks his or her child is perfect, or even close to it, needs to wake up.
Bullying, of any kind, should never be allowed. This is true for boys and girls. I am just discussing girls for a few reasons. First, I am one. Second, I am raising one, and third, the stories I wanted to share both involve girls.
Let me get back to the train ride for a moment. I watched the mean girls for the rest of the train ride. I began to remember the times I was preyed upon by mean girls. I thought about the times my daughter, sisters, and friends were tortured by mean girls. I watched the girls and began to feel sick to my stomach. They were malicious. They were seeking people out and making their victim(s) feel inadequate. It was calculated and cruel.
It was time for their stop. The man came walking down the aisle toward us. I calmly said, "Are they your daughters?" Proudly, he smiled and stated, "That one is." I'm pretty sure he was thinking that the next words out of my mouth would be, "Well, she is the prettiest little thing I've ever seen!" Instead, I sternly replied, "Then you need to take a parenting class, because they are very mean girls."
He just stopped in his tracks and stared.
I turned toward the girls. Oh my goodness! Their faces were red and they had "deer in headlight" eyes. I pointed to them and said, "Yeah, you girls know exactly what I'm talking about!"
I promise you, they all three gasped, and one put her hand on her heart and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Whaaaaat?"
The four of them got off of the train, and we continued on our way.
Mean girls have to be stopped. They are everywhere. Television makes it seem "cool" to be mean. There is nothing cool about it. I personally know parents who know good and well that they are raising "mean girls," and they allow it. They've created "mean girls" and they are scared of them. They are terrified of her wrath.
So, they continue to simply "be ok" with it.
We should be teaching our children to reach out to others. We have to let them know that it is not acceptable for them to purposely tear others down, or to single a person out in order to degrade her and cause her to feel inadequate. We must tell our girls that if they see someone being treated unfairly, then they need to befriend that person.
Jesus makes it clear that we are to love Him with all of our heart and we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.Wow! That is so difficult. To the "mean girl," it means you can't be mean! Chill! To the mean girl's prey, it means to find it in your heart to forgive the "mean girl" and to pray for her as well.
Mean girls are mean for a reason. I'm sure every reason is different. Maybe their mother was a mean girl (for a reason), so she if following her mother's footsteps. Other "mean girls" may be that way simply because it is allowed. Maybe others have been hurt or somehow been made to feel inadequate, so they are on a mission to make other girls feel the same way.
There will probably always be "mean girls." As for me, I am determined to never let teenage "mean girls" make me feel "small" again. Geesh! I still have to work on not letting the "mean girl moms" get to me. In the meantime, I will forgive, pray, and maybe stay away from the park for awhile. :)
Many years ago I viewed the movie, "Mean Girls." I was a high school teacher at the time, and some students were talking about it. I thought I would watch it and try to figure the whole "mean girl" thing out. I was horrified. It wasn't a bit funny. It was cruel and malicious.
If we were all completely honest, most of us would have to admit to being tormented by a "mean girl" in our lives. A true "mean girl" torture is not just a one time event. Being tormented by a mean girl lasts for some time. It may take place for a few weeks, for a summer, for a school year, or maybe even every school year!
Mean girls seek out their prey carefully, just as a lioness seeks out a wounded gazelle. Who can she try to destroy and get by with it? Who is an easy target? Who would put up with the abuse?
I was recently involved in two "mean girl" incidents. One was with elementary aged girls, and the other was with teenagers.
My sister, nephew, and best friend were here visiting us from Illinois. One afternoon, we decided to walk the boys down to the park to play. We sat down at the first picnic table we came to. Across the park were three moms sitting together on a park bench talking. They automatically began to give us the "look." The look I'm talking about says, "What are they doing here? Do we know them? Do they live here? What's their story?" I am used to that "look" because I get it almost every time I walk down to the park.
I wanted to just get it over with and stand on top of the picnic table and scream at the top of my lungs over to them, "We're here to play. No, you don't know us. Yes, I do live here. There is no "story." We just brought two little boys to the park to release some of their energy."
Obviously, that's now how the story goes.
Our boys were running around gathering sticks and leaves and chasing each other. Also at this playground, were six little girls. The girls belonged to the three women who were giving us the "look."
After, literally, three minutes of our arrival, the girls began to try to get our boys in trouble. They were running next to our boys and saying, "We won't play with you." Our boys could have cared less. My sister, friend and I just sat and quietly watched all of this unfold.
Then, one little girl ran over to her mom and yelled, "Those boys are throwing sticks at us!" Gasp! My friend said to us, "What? They never threw anything at those girls!" Next, the mom looked at my son, who was busy playing and in her "mean girl" voice said, "Umm...don't throw sticks at them." Ok...by this point, the momma bear in me was becoming quite angry.
Everywhere our boys would go, the girls would follow and taunt them. The girls knew we were watching them, but it didn't matter one bit. They would follow our boys around and say, "Stay away from us. You can't play with us. Go home!" I was in shock.
I finally had to say something when I heard the other mom say to her daughter in her caddy voice, "Just stay away from them." She said the word, "them" as if she were talking about head lice or bed bugs.
I'm thinking, "How can they stay away from our boys when they are following our boys around?" I said, in my loud-enough-for-them-to-hear-me voice, "Boys, I know you weren't throwing sticks at those girls. We've been watching. Stay over here next to us, please."
Immediately, the three mothers looked as if they had seen a ghost. They began to whisper. I had it figured out: They were former mean girls who grew up to be mean women.
Yes, sadly, this situation is not unfamiliar to me. I have been at the same park before and witnessed similar events; however, this time was different. The last time something like this happened, I was alone. I went home, felt defeated, and shed a few tears over it. This time, I had my sister and best friend with me. I had allies. I knew they "had my back." So, I was better able to stand up to the "mommas of the mean girls."
Just as "mean girls" feel more powerful and wreak more havoc when they are accompanied by friends or followers, so does the person they are trying to hurt. If their prey has a friend or two around, then she is more likely to stand up to her antagonizer(s).
Now...on to the teenagers. Obviously, mean little girls turn into mean big girls, who ultimately turn into mean women.
My sister, friend and I boarded the train to NYC. We found the group of seats at the end that face each other. In other words, two or three people can sit facing another two or three people. It's perfect for traveling in groups. My sister and I sat in the two empty seats there, and our friend sat in the other row.
Two teenage girls were sitting across from my sister and I, and their friend, another teenage girl, was sitting next to my sister. I smiled at the girls and the train sped off. Was it my imagination, or were the girls mocking my smile? Every time I would look at them and smile, nod, or do anything at all, they would mock me! I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. They were laughing, whispering, and texting. I thought, "Ok, Heather. You're going overboard. These girls are not being mean. They're just having a good time together on the train."
I received a text. It was my sister who was seated right next to me. I opened it and it said, "These girls are making fun of us." I began to laugh. I thought I was going to fall out of my seat laughing. Here we were, two grown women, and three teenage girls are making us feel insecure and inadequate. We decided to just try to ignore them.
Oh my goodness! They began taking pictures of us with their phones. Every time I would look up they would snap a picture, then show each other, and then crack up laughing. I began to feel so embarassed. These girls were mean! They meant business! They were trying to belittle us, and it was working! Finally, the seats in across the aisle opened up and my sister and I moved over there to be next to our friend and away from the mean girls!
Then, I saw them looking back and making fun of a tall blonde. The woman, probably in her late 20's, was applying her make up on the train. She kept stopping and looking at the teens like, "You've got to be kidding me!" I think she was in shock, just as we had been. They began taking pictures of her. Tension was high. I could see that this woman was becoming frustrated. All of the sudden, she got out of her seat, walked the five rows up, and quietly said, "Do you B#$@&%$ have a problem?"
Oh my! My sister, friend and I just sat there with our mouths wide open! Out of nowhere came a man. He stood behind the tall blonde and said, "That's my daughter. Leave her alone!" The woman was trying to explain to him what was happening, and he denied their behavior and the lady finally just went and sit back down. Oh, this really got the mean girls going. Seriously, they had evil in their eyes.
I was steaming. I had seen it all. I had experienced some of it!
Why were these girls so mean? How could they be this way to other people? What kind of parent would allow this type of behavior?
Is that where the whole problem lies...with the parents?
Nobody is perfect. Any parent who thinks his or her child is perfect, or even close to it, needs to wake up.
Bullying, of any kind, should never be allowed. This is true for boys and girls. I am just discussing girls for a few reasons. First, I am one. Second, I am raising one, and third, the stories I wanted to share both involve girls.
Let me get back to the train ride for a moment. I watched the mean girls for the rest of the train ride. I began to remember the times I was preyed upon by mean girls. I thought about the times my daughter, sisters, and friends were tortured by mean girls. I watched the girls and began to feel sick to my stomach. They were malicious. They were seeking people out and making their victim(s) feel inadequate. It was calculated and cruel.
It was time for their stop. The man came walking down the aisle toward us. I calmly said, "Are they your daughters?" Proudly, he smiled and stated, "That one is." I'm pretty sure he was thinking that the next words out of my mouth would be, "Well, she is the prettiest little thing I've ever seen!" Instead, I sternly replied, "Then you need to take a parenting class, because they are very mean girls."
He just stopped in his tracks and stared.
I turned toward the girls. Oh my goodness! Their faces were red and they had "deer in headlight" eyes. I pointed to them and said, "Yeah, you girls know exactly what I'm talking about!"
I promise you, they all three gasped, and one put her hand on her heart and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Whaaaaat?"
The four of them got off of the train, and we continued on our way.
Mean girls have to be stopped. They are everywhere. Television makes it seem "cool" to be mean. There is nothing cool about it. I personally know parents who know good and well that they are raising "mean girls," and they allow it. They've created "mean girls" and they are scared of them. They are terrified of her wrath.
So, they continue to simply "be ok" with it.
We should be teaching our children to reach out to others. We have to let them know that it is not acceptable for them to purposely tear others down, or to single a person out in order to degrade her and cause her to feel inadequate. We must tell our girls that if they see someone being treated unfairly, then they need to befriend that person.
Jesus makes it clear that we are to love Him with all of our heart and we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.Wow! That is so difficult. To the "mean girl," it means you can't be mean! Chill! To the mean girl's prey, it means to find it in your heart to forgive the "mean girl" and to pray for her as well.
Mean girls are mean for a reason. I'm sure every reason is different. Maybe their mother was a mean girl (for a reason), so she if following her mother's footsteps. Other "mean girls" may be that way simply because it is allowed. Maybe others have been hurt or somehow been made to feel inadequate, so they are on a mission to make other girls feel the same way.
There will probably always be "mean girls." As for me, I am determined to never let teenage "mean girls" make me feel "small" again. Geesh! I still have to work on not letting the "mean girl moms" get to me. In the meantime, I will forgive, pray, and maybe stay away from the park for awhile. :)
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