Letting Go

As parents, it seems the instant we bring home our little bundle of joy, we have to begin "letting go."  The process is gradual, and as one is it it, living it each day with the child, the concept isn't often pondered.

It's easy to recall the feeding habits and schedules of my children as babies.  I had certain vegetables and regimens that I was determined to abide by, and they had other ideas.  I aimed for meat and vegetables first, fruit second, and little to no extra sugar.  Well, my children soon realized that peaches were sweeter than broccoli and popsicles made them much happier than peas.  To an extent, I had to let go.  I was forced to let them decide for themselves that they liked and disliked.  Obviously, I had the final say; however, it was the beginning of the "pulling away" process.

My husband and I spent countless minutes with our babies taking steps in between our legs as they firmly gripped our fingers.  They relied on us as they slowly put one foot in front of the other.  Without us,  not even a single step was possible.  Then, all of the sudden, the child that was looking up at us while doing a death grip on our fingers...let go, and walked away.  Then, the real fun began...

Elementary school brings a plethora of "letting go" events.  We have to, for the first time, allow them to spend the night away from home with a friend.  They will travel on a bus to field trips to unfamiliar places with people that we really don't know.  They choose the sort of friends they are interested in having.  When the parent comes to a busy street and reaches out to take the child's hand...forget it.  The child does not want to hold the parent's hand in public. Yet again we, as parents, have to let go.  It's all part of the process.

Junior High is in a league all of its own.  The child that once made his or her parents 
feel adored, now makes them feel useless and unappreciated.  Cuddling?  That doesn't happen often.  Do you want to hug them in public?  I hope not!  You have to let that go.  

Once the child enters high school, he or she is gaining a sense of who he or she is.  The child is more confident, therefore he or she can "let" the parents in a bit more.  Still, the divide widens.  Simultaneous with the widening gap is the "tick tock" of the clock.  Time is ticking.  It seems to be going faster than before.  The child now spends a vast majority of time out of parental supervision.  Yes, the parent wants them to stay home and have family movie night.  The child wants that too, occasionally; however, these kids enjoy their freedom.  They turn 16, obtain a license, and they're off!  I remember thinking to myself when my daughter turned 16, "How will I ever be able to let her drive alone...without me in the car with her?"  That was another time I was forced to let go, and I watched her drive away.

Still, even with all of the "letting go" at each of these stages, the parent still makes the rules and expects them to be followed.  If not, there are consequences, most of which, will be dealt with at home with no lasting effects.  The parents sets curfews and rules that the teen knows he or she must follow or else life will cease to be exciting for him or her.

Just when the parent smiles and says, "I think I'm finally getting this parenting thing down," another "letting go" stage occurs.  This makes all the other stages pale in comparison.  In my life at the moment, I simply refer to this stage as, "college."  In this letting go process, we have to hope, pray and believe that we have "let go" in all the right places and "held on tightly" in the others,  for the past 18 years.  We pray, at this stage, our children use discernment and conduct their lives as they've been taught, because the consequences they face are no longer being grounded or having car keys taken away.  The consequences they face now, as "adults," could effect their young lives forever.    

Curfews no longer exist.  We no longer meet every single friend.  We do not have a relationship with any of the teachers.  They receive medical care and we are not informed.    We don't know when they go to bed, or when they get up and begin their day.  
This is all "letting go" in ways that I am completely unfamiliar with.  I'm having great difficulty trying to fathom it.

The sum of my feelings is this:  My daughter takes up a vast part of my heart.  For 18 years I have poured myself into this human being.  I've made so many mistakes that I pray haven't scarred her, but I've also given her the best of me.  Being "her mom" is an honorable calling, and I have fulfilled it to the  very best of my ability.  When I drive away from her college, how will my heart continue to beat when I've left such of a massive piece of it there?
As I recently shared my feelings with my husband,  he hugged me and said, "It will."  He's right.  As difficult as it will be to no longer live in the same house as my child, we will adjust.  

I am the extremely proud mom of a college student.  My baby bird is flying away.  It makes me smile to think about it.  She'll soar, succeed, and make so many positive changes in the world.  I have to let her go...
Although, as parents, do we ever really "let go?"  I certainly don't think so. 

Day 365...So, it's been a year!

Time.  It has a way of doing so much. It is with the passage of time that we develop comfort, understanding, clarity, routine and peace.  The Greek statesman, Pericles, said, "Time is the wisest counsellor of all."  I agree.  
Our time here in New York has consisted of 365 days.  


August 2011 was a trying month for me.  My daughter became a camp counselor and my son attended the summer camp, so they were beginning to meet people and develop relationships.   My family from Illinois had been here to visit and then returned.  I felt like they had left me here on "another planet."  With the exception of my husband and children, everything else I knew had changed.  


I envisioned myself on the edge of a cliff, legs dangling, fingertips slipping.  I was losing my grip.  I was falling.
My husband thought it would be a good idea for me to return "home" for a week or so.  He thought it would do me good to experience some familiarity.  
I refused to go.  He couldn't understand my decision.  Finally, in all honesty, I said, "I'm not going home, because if I do, I won't return to NY."


I began to pray...a lot.  I begged God to help me.  I knew I was in trouble.  I was lonely.  I felt desperate.  Even so, I knew I had to get out of the house and explore.  I had to meet people, learn my way around, and figure out exactly what I was made of.  
I wanted this to work. 


I believe in prayer.  I know it works.  I know people were placed in to my life, strategically, to guide me through my transition.  I am extremely social by nature, so having people in my life is crucial.  


Every person I met, even though he or she didn't realize it, enabled me to dig my nails into the cliff and regain my grip.  I was no longer dangling off the edge.  Eventually, I felt myself nervously sitting on the cliff.  Then, I began to relax.  Finally, I was standing on the cliff and actually enjoying the view!


Six months into our move I went back to Illinois for an eleven day visit.  It was wonderful and rejuvenating.  I cherished every second of it.  After the eleven days, I returned home...to New York.  I didn't question it.  I didn't wonder whether or not I could do it.  I felt confident and content.


I continued to meet people and learn, grow, and explore.  I have watched my husband and children do the same.  It has blessed me beyond words.  My family is strong and able to adapt to change of circumstance and surroundings.  


I am so proud of us, as a family...not at all in a boastful way.  It is with complete humility that I say that.  This year has been successful due to our faith in God, the love and support of family and friends, and the love and commitment that we have to each other.


The first year is over!  Some days it seems like only yesterday that we packed up and moved here, and other days it seems as if New York has always been our home.  
TIme has a way of doing that.


All fear is gone.  There is no time in this glorious life for fear.


Thefab4 will be celebrating this past year, every good time, and every bad time, with dinner and a Yankees game.  


As for my blog, well, I guess it's no longer a blog about moving across the country.  It'll be about life as we all know it.  Some parts are fabulous, and some are cruel.  Some parts bring uncontrollable tears, and other bring laughter that literally hurts.  
That is life for each and every one of us.
We're all in it together.  


It's good to be home.

May 13, 2012/ Days 272-343

Sometimes I get a powerful craving for Mexican food.  I long for the crispy chips and spicy salsa and dream about the cheese, grease and lively atmosphere; however, if one goes back and reads Day 6, Wednesday, June 8, 2011, he or she will discover why Mexican food and I have had sort of a "separation" throughout the past eleven months.


On June 6, 2011, our sixth day in New York, we decided to try a local Mexican restaurant in hopes that we would have a taste, not only of spicy heaven, but also...of home.  We went to the restaurant, desperate, homesick, and extremely lonely.   I ended up receiving a phone call from my mom during our dinner, starting crying as soon as I heard her voice, and we had to leave the restaurant. My heart was literally aching.  My mind was asking, "What have you all done?"


I decided I was going to avoid that restaurant.  Maybe it was a mind game I was playing with myself without even realizing it.  Maybe it was a coping mechanism.  Who knows.  About a month ago I did visit the restaurant with my husband, but I did not go in.  We sat in the outdoor seating.  It, literally, was too painful to go inside.  I could still visualize the place we were sitting in June of 2011, and the looks of sorrow on my children's faces, and the empty space in my soul.  


Last night, I took the plunge.  My husband asked where I wanted to go for dinner and I said, "Let's do Mexican!"  He said, "Here?  At our Mexican restaurant?"  Confidently, I replied, "Yes!"


We were seated, as coincidence would have it, right across from our "former" seats.  The restaurant was full of people thrilled to be out celebrating something as simple as Saturday night!  I took a deep breath, relaxed, and settled into my chair.  I looked at my husband and he knew exactly what I was thinking:  I did it!  I'm here and I'm happy!


As we were stuffing our faces, our daughter drove by with a friend from Illinois.  She was showing her best friend around our town and the surrounding areas.  She takes pride in it, and it thrills me.  The last time we had dinner here, my mom called and I burst into tears, but not this time.  Instead, I received a text from a wonderful friend here in New York, and this individual was headed to our house to hang out for awhile.  A friend!  That was something I missed terribly last June, and, now, I have made amazing friends and met so many fabulous people.  God really is watching out for me and knows what I need!


We thoroughly enjoyed, what we refer to as, our "celebratory dinner."  
We have a lot to celebrate...the bond my family of four share, our old friends and our new friends, our strength and our adjustment to what life directs our way.

Mark Twain, so full of wisdom, said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't' do than by the ones that you did.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Explore.  Dream.  Discover." Mr. Twain, I've thrown off the bowlines, and I have certainly sailed away from my safe harbor.  The trade winds are caught up in my sails and I'm exploring, dreaming, and discovering so many wonderful things, people, places and ideas! Thank you, Lord, for courage.

Days 160-271 Keep On Keepin On!

I can't believe it's been over 100 days since my last post!  When visiting Illinois during Christmas, one of my daughter's wise friends said, "I love reading your blog, but when the posts stopped coming daily, I was happy because I knew you were getting comfortable."
Maybe she's right!


I am definitely becoming quite acclimated to my community, and that is a rewarding feeling.  As an adult, it is never easy meeting people when you have no contacts, no connections.  I still have days with tears for what "once was," but they don't happen very often, and it is largely due to my friend, Rosemary.


As I moved to New York with my family in June due to my husband's job, Rosemary moved with her family to New York in July, from Canada, due to her husband's job.  I went to my son's school for a "New Family Orientation." Fortunately, we ended up in the same tour!  We were both feeling lost, confused, and lonely.  We were a perfect pair! 


We exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.  Later that week, I got a text from her, we met for coffee, and we became instant companions.  She knew exactly what I was going through, and the feeling was mutual.  


I always tell my daughter that everyone needs, "that person," and as long as you have him or her, then you are genuinely blessed.  "That person" is the one you call for coffee at the spur of the moment, or invite yourself over to their home to sit around and talk, or for any late night or last minute Target run.  I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm referring to, and you're picturing "your person" in your mind right now!  My "that person" was Rosemary.


My sister met Rosemary when she was here visiting me from Illinois.  She fell in love with her and said, "Heather, you and Rosemary are like the odd couple.  That's why it works so well!"


It was obvious what she meant.  Rosemary has dark auburn hair with bright, brown eyes.  I am blonde and blue-eyed.  Rosemary is refined and educated on so many of the finer things in life. She is soft spoken and relatively calm.  
I, on the other hand, am loud, simple, and overdramatic.
She introduced me to fine food and fabulous clothing brands that I had never ever heard of!  I introduced her to diner food and Xhilaration brand from Target!


What did we have in common?  Well, we are both under 5 ft. 3, which never ceased to make a shopping excursions hilarious.  We both have children, and we had both undergone a major transition in our lives.  


Since meeting in August, she has rejoiced with me in my triumphs and successes, and I have done the same for her.  Equally important, she has literally pulled strength out of my soul when I didn't think I had any left.  When Rosemary is feeling down and stressed, she knows she has to get out of the house.  She would call me and we would go out exploring.  We found so many amazing restaurants, fabulous shopping spots, and beautiful landscapes in New York.  Then, by the time we picked our kids up from school, she was feeling better!


She soon discovered that when I am down, I tend to withdraw.  I remember one time in particular.  I had just had "enough."  I'm sure we've all been there one time or another.  It seemed as if nothing was going right.  I missed my family.  I didn't feel like I was "fitting in" like I did in Illinois.  I was having horrible headaches most of the day, every single day.  She was texting and I was giving excuses as to why I couldn't go out.  Really, I just didn't want to get out of bed.  I was struggling mentally and physically and I felt a million miles away from everything I knew.
What did Rosemary do?  She texted, "Come on, we're going to the gym."  I responded with, "No, I think I'll hang out here today.  My head hurts."  She replied, "I will be at your house in 15 minutes to drive us to the gym."  So, I got up, got dressed, and we were off!
Thankfully, she knows me well! 


This past Wednesday, Rosemary called and invited me over for coffee and conversation.  She had been acting strange.  She seemed distant on Monday and Tuesday...completely preoccupied.  I was even beginning to wonder if I had somehow offended her.  


Upon arriving, I looked at Rosemary and knew immediately there was a problem.  Teary eyed she said, "Heather, we're moving."
I said, "Oh no you're not!" (I wasn't kidding!)
But, she was.  Her husband's job was being transferred.
We sat at her kitchen table sipping coffee and being sad.  Finally, Rosemary smoothed things over as she always does.  She said, "I guess it is what it is.  We are healthy, and we should be thankful that our husband's have jobs.  We have to just be thankful."
I said, "You're right.  We have to keep on keepin' on."


That night, the two of us went out late and treated ourselves to a steak dinner.  I guess stress makes us hungry.  Ok...to be fair, she had a half portion of salad and still took home leftovers, and I had the entire steak dinner.


Sometimes life can be difficult and seem so unfair.  Death, major moves, sickness, anxiety, and even simple normal life stressors can, at times, become overwhelming; however, my friendship with Rosemary has taught me a very important lesson:  Count your blessings...no matter what.  The situation, no matter how intense or insignificant, isn't the problem.  How we react to the situation is key to our failure or success. We must learn to search and seek out the blessing in it every situation.


Rosemary and her wonderful family will be moving from New York at the end of June.  We decided that we were going to squeeze every bit of fun out of the next four months!  We won't dwell on the move.  Instead, we will just enjoy life together.


This season of our friendship will be over soon, and another season of our friendship will begin.  I know the season well.  I refer to it as the season of "technology."  If you live away from anyone you love, you probably know it well, too.  It consists of cell phone conversations, texting, Facebook, and Skype.  It's certainly not as easy as having "that person" that is physically there on a daily basis; however, I have seen some of my relationships with people in Illinois get stronger since we moved.  So, it is possible!


So, here's to a fun four months, and technology, and learning to "go with the flow" no matter how big or small the situation.


Thanks for the life lesson, constant companionship, and the hours of fun, Rosemary.