Day 29

I'm feeling a little blue; hence the color I'm blogging with tonight.

We had an awesome day filled with adventure and discovery.  We went to the New York Aquarium and to Coney Island.  Brooklyn is an interesting place!

I'm looking so forward to a small 4th of July BBQ we are having at our house tomorrow afternoon. 
Everyone is doing fine...

Why do I feel this way? 
Let me try to explain it.  I am a very happy person.  I LOVE life.  I love people.  I love my new location and home.  Yes, I am still adjusting, but it is going very well.  It has nothing to do with "happiness."  It has everything to do with basic anxiety. 
I've come so far with this battle.  I fight it every single day.  My dad recently told me that I was a soldier, and to keep fighting.  I will. 
Anxiety used to be something I struggled with every day.  Now, for the most part, when anxiety starts to creep up on me, I fight it off.  It's an ability that I didn't used to have. 

For some reason, and I have no idea why, today has been one of the days that I just can't seem to "fight" the anxiety off.  It makes me angry; it really does. 

I beleive part of it is due to my headaches.  Yes, they are getting better.  They are less frequent each day and less intense. 

The anxity symptoms I have been experiencing all day is shortness of breath and trouble swallowing.  Writing it sounds worse than it really is.  It's not a major issue, but it's noticeable, and it's scary, and it's extremely frustrating.  The more agitated by it that I get, the more often it occurs. 

What will my cure for this be?  Well, I'll be digging into the Bible more.  It is medicine to my soul.  I've been running around lately getting so much done and having so much fun.  My reading has decreased, and I can definitely tell. 

When I look at how far I've come, I am so comforted. 
My husband has been asked several times within the last ten years to move here.  I have said, "No way!"  every time.  I knew I couldn't do it.  I knew it wasn't even feasible for me to try.  It would have been impossible.
When he was asked this time, back in October of 2010, I had a different perspective.  Upon him telling me, there were tears and some internal conflict; however, once I thought about it for a short while, I knew I was ready.  I was proud.  I was thrilled to finally be able to move with my husband and kids 15 hours away from our family and know that it would all work out. 

I had prayed.  I had lots of people praying for me.  I read the Bible.  I read self-help books.  I tried everything I knew to do to rid myself of the ugly monster of anxiety.  It was all worthwhile.  It all led me to where I am today.

I am believing for a total healing in this area.  I say "healing" because I believe that anxiety is a medical problem.  It isn't a choice, a bad attitude, or unhappiness.  Trust me, nobody would choose this. 

For me, the most frustrating part of anxiety is the fact that I can't just simply say, "I'm not going to think like this today," and then it disappears.  It's just like the common cold.   It's a total pain, and no matter how much you would like it to go away and never come back, it lingers, and eventually you may even have another one.

With the anxiety comes guilt.  The guilt stems from the fact that I have a wonderful life, two healthy kids, a fabulous husband, an awesome family, great friends, and a lot of fun in life.  I don't have any "real" problems.  I really don't.  So, why the nerves?  Why the anxiety?

I know one day I will have quite a story to tell.  I will be able to tell my story of how I completely fought anxiety and WON!  I'll be able to help others.  I really look forward to that day.

Philippians 4: 6-7 reads, "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, by PRAYER AND PETITION, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Therefore, when I become anxious, and feel my pulse increase, and my breathing becomes "different," and my head starts to hurt, I have to stop right then and there.  I have to stop what I'm doing, go to a quiet place and put an end to it.  I have to immediately thank the God of the universe for all of His blessings, for my life, for this world that I live in, and then tell Him what I need.  Ask Him for His help.  That is what He wants from me.  He desires the kind of relationship where we just stop and chat.  We communicate. 

I have found that when I become anxious, if I just let it ride, it will ride on all day and into the night.  I have to catch it early, and STOP it with the Lord's help. 

Philippians 4:13 reads, "I can do EVERYTHING through Him who gives me strength.
Can I completely destroy anxiety?  YES, because He has given me the strength to do it.