I believe the saying goes, "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. For me, this has been a "hydrant" sort of day.
We've been here for 39 days now. My comfort level is improving. I am venturing out more. I still get a bit nervous when I have errands to run or places to go; however, at least I am out and exploring.
Let me clarify my nervousness. Where I'm from, when I had somewhere to go, I would hop in my van and drive, in minimum traffic, to my destination, which was usually within a five mile radius. I'd pull into the parking lot, find a space, park, run in, and then I'd usually see several people I knew, at which time we'd exchange small talk and usually a few laughs.
In NY, there is a lot of traffic. There are very few places to park without paying the meter. There is five minute parking, 15 minute parking, and one hour parking. I pay the meter, walk around searching for my destination, and more often that not, by the time I find it, it's time for me to go back and put more change in the meter!
At this point, I usually begin to feel my blood pressure rise. I can feel my heart beating a little bit faster, and I begin to feel extremely self conscious. As I stand on the street waiting for the sign to let me cross, with traffic whizzing by me, my mind begins to play tricks on me. I think things like, "The people in that car are laughing at me. I must be doing something wrong. Am I not supposed to be crossing here? I am at a crosswalk, so surely this is right!"
Then I think, "These drivers know I'm new here and they can tell that I'm lost and have absolutely no idea where I am going or what I'm doing!"
Then, I begin to sweat. I can feel my hands shaking. I just want to grab an imaginary shovel, dig a hole, and bury myself in it...just to get away from the embarassment for awhile.
I am aware that the drivers aren't really laughing at me. They are in heavy traffic trying to avoid an accident. The are certainly not looking over at me laughing and saying, "I can tell she has absolutely no idea what she's doing!"
My mind tells me otherwise.
Yes, today I felt less like the confident and adorable dog and more like the hydrant that the dog has chosen to urinate on.
My son needed a haircut. He hasn't had one since before we moved from Illinois. I thought, "Well, I'll wait until after 3PM because then I can park at the train station free of charge. From there, I'll walk around downtown until I find a barbershop."
It was a brilliant idea. I could remember seeing salons, spas, and barbers down there, so I knew I'd eventually find one.
I parked at the station, free of charge, and already felt accomplished. I took my son's sweet hand, and we began to walk. Where was that barbershop? Oh no, was beginning to sweat, profusely. I put my sunglasses on so that hopefully individuals passing me won't be able to see the fear in my eyes.
I found the barbershop! We went inside. There were four barbers, three of which are cutting hair. The fourth was friendly and asked Isaac if he needed a haircut. I said, "Do you take debit or credit cards?"
He said, "No, only cash or checks." I said, "Oh, I'll have to come back then." My heart was racing. I took my son's hand and we walked out.
I found a small salon. We went in and I told the stylist that my son needed a haircut. I just took for granted that it was a "walk-in" salong. The sylist walked over and looked through the book. She says, "We can cut him at 5:30." I said, "Oh, that won't work, but thanks anyway." We left.
We went the next block over into a toy store. The air conditioning felt so good! I let my son play with some of the toys and I just tried to blend into the aisles. Finally, I told him we needed to get going.
We walked past a bakery that looked fun and delicious. I asked him if he wanted a cupcake, and we went inside. He chose a blue iced cookie shaped like a star. The lady said, "It'll be $2.75."
I handed her my debit card. She said, "Oh, sorry, we only take debit and credit if the purchase is over $10.00."
I was thinking, "Can I please diappear now?"
I began to dig through my wallet. I felt like the line behind me was a mile long and I was in everyone's way. Those of you who know me know exactly what my wallet is like. It's a mess! I keep every receipt. It's a very strange habit I have. I was frantically digging for change. I was dropping change and my receipts were falling all over the counter. I started praying, "Oh Lord, PLEASE help me to find $2.75! My son has already taken a bite out of the cookie!"
Finally! I had the money and handed it over to her.
At this point, I just wanted to go find the train station, get in my van, and speed home! I held my son's hand and we walked back to the station. He was asking questions about the traffic lights, the weather, and enjoying his iced cookie. I just wanted to somehow grow magic wings and fly home.
My son yelled, "There's the van!" He let go of my hand and started running towards it. It was at that very moment that I realized that I didn't have my keys! What? You've got to be kidding me! I had felt embarassed every single place I had been, and I was going to have to go back to all of those places and find my keys! I wanted to cry, but that would have been a big fat waste of time. I was hot and sweaty and just wanted to find my keys.
So, I took my son's sticky hand and off we went in search of my keys. Thankfully, my first stop was the bakery. As soon as we entered, the cashier said, "You forgot your keys."
I wanted to leap over the counter, grab her by the shoulders, and scream at the top of my lungs, "I am aware of that; why do you think I came back?" That would have been another big fat waste of time. Instead, I simply took my keys, thanked her, and we began the long walk back to the train station.
I'm sure it all seems silly. Why would those scenarios make my heart race, make me sweat, and make my hands shake? Why would all of that make me start thinking irrational thoughts about what people are actually thinking of me?
If similar circumstances would've happened in Illinois, I wouln't have even given it a second thought. None of it would have been an issue. Why is it so overwhelming here? Why did this "hydrant" day make me want to just sit down and cry?
It's difficult to explain. Everything I knew as familiar, with the exception of my husband and children, does not exist here. It has all been taken away. Nothing looks familiar. I don't recognize a person, place, or thing. Every single solitary thing I see, experience, or do is brand new. It's like I'm an alien visiting a different planet. Only, I'm not an alien, and I'm not visiting...I live here now. Adjusting is just plain hard! There is absolutely nothing easy about it; however, even though it's the most difficult thing I've ever done, I AM doing it.
Psalm 121:1 reads, "My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." I needed help today! I felt misplaced and unsure of myself and everything around me. I got home, took some deep breaths, and began to pray. I asked the Lord to take the fear and anxiety that I was feeling from me. I wanted it taken away. I refused to let it bully me. I began to feel like I was in control of again. I felt His peace.
Psalm 118:24 reads, "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." I sure didn't feel like rejoicing in the midst of my uncomfortable circumstance, and that is fine. I'm rejoicing now for several reasons. First, I'm home! Second, I gained valuable knowledge today. I know that it's important to have cash at many small businesses, and I learned where some of these businesses are located. Last, but certainly not least, I'm rejoicing because my son had a great time. He went to the toy store, enjoyed a cookie, and had a scenic walk downtown!
Life is certainly a roller coaster. It has twists, turns, ups, downs, and even long lines. It's also full of fun, excitement, and anticipation for what's to come.
My son still needs a haircut.
We'll go tomorrow, and I'll have cash.
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